The Pillow Talk Project
Donation protected
Your contribution will support the Pillow Talk Project, which includes :
- The PILLOW TALK novel: A deeply personal account of the destructive role that misogyny has played in the narrator’s marriage and in the lives of the women in her family. It is a fictionalized representation of actual events that have happened to women I have known. The narrator’s account is not an exaggeration or a conglomeration of experiences belonging to multiple women. The mother’s teenage pregnancy, the sexual assaults, the incest, the psychological cruelty, and the physical abuse—these all belong to one woman’s story and accurately portray the lifelong sexual harassment and psychological manipulation that women experience in this country. In all of these cases, the men rarely, if ever, suffer negative consequences. On the contrary, the men, and sometimes the women, who populate Marissa’s day to day world, consistently use a range of misogynist strategies, that are so commonplace they go unnoticed and unchallenged. Marissa is dismissed, discredited, demoralized, silenced, intimidated, pressured, coerced, manipulated, gaslighted, blamed, and threatened, especially when she tries to complain or resist her treatment. Before she’s twenty years old, she’s been physically abused, sexually assaulted, sexually humiliated, impregnated by an older man, and brutally beaten by an ex-boyfriend. In most cases, but not all, her family and the authorities, protect the men involved. Time and again, his word is taken over hers. She is dismissed, ignored, shamed, labeled as crazy and prone to exaggeration. Consequently, she internalizes misogyny’s negative messaging and subsequently turns on herself. As self-hatred and shame slowly poison her psyche, she enters a period of self-destructive behavior. This comes to an end when she meets a therapist who recognizes the impact the history of abuse has had on the women in her family. From there on, Marissa, begins a slow, uphill climb towards healing and self-discovery. Unfortunately she suffers one set back after another. Despite all of her growth and hard won self-awareness, she’s unable to escape a succession of abusive relationships and painful life events. Convinced that the world is hopelessly unfair, she starts to despair again. Finally, during the COVID pandemic, isolated with a man who treats her cruelly, Marissa starts to gain a sense of the larger social framework responsible for much of her suffering—a pattern of toxic pillow talk, which has dominated her intimate relationships—which turns the private space of the bedroom into a place of secrets, sexual harassment, psychological manipulation, and physical abuse. After a series of encounters with feminist literature, film, and television, Marissa starts exploring the systemic nature of misogyny as the very air we breath, the sea we swim in. But it’s her dream life that actually turns the tide. Following her therapist’s suggestion, Marissa begins a dream journal. Recording her past and present dreams, she realizes they are full of water imagery—lakes, oceans, rivers, but also floods, tidal waves, and sea monsters. Returning to her childhood nightmares, she retraces their evolution over the course of her life. This journey leads her to powerful sources of strength and inspiration—a positive pillow talk emerges—an internal dialogue that counters misogyny’s negative messaging. This process has a transformative impact on every aspect of her life. Having regained her sense of adventure, Marissa charts a course towards friendlier seas—her goal—to sail as far as she can from misogyny’s toxic waters.
- The PILLOW TALK website: http://pillowtalk.cloud The website promotes the book by posting chapter previews, excerpts, and online events. It features the Pillow Talk Blog, which is linked to a Pillow Talk Facebook Page, and to Instagram and Twitter @PillowTalk2021. The website invites visitors to subscribe and provides a PayPal link for those who want to purchase the book. Those who purchase the book will receive monthly installments until it's completion.
- The PILLOW TALK Blog features weekly posts analyzing films, books, and other popular media in an ongoing attempt to expose all the subtle, covert ways misogyny negatively impacts women and girls. In addition to my posts, it includes posts by MARCI, A TEENAGE BLOGGER. Posts will demonstrate misogyny’s full scope and counter the misrepresentations and misunderstandings that are part and parcel with misogyny’s “self-masking" nature. According to Kate Manne, the author of Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny, contrary to the popular use of the word, which attributes a set of negative behaviors to a few “bad” men, misogyny is systemic, structurally akin to other oppressive systems, like racism or heterosexism. It is a social force enacted primarily by straight, cisgendered men, but which we all participate in to some degree beyond our conscious awareness, “and sometimes, markedly contrary to our explicit moral beliefs and political commitments.” (Down Girl, xxi.) Misogyny upholds the patriarchal order by inflicting negative effects on girls and women, who fail “to give traditionally feminine goods (such as sex, care, nurturing, and reproductive labor) to designated, often more privileged men,” and insures that women and girls “refrain from taking traditionally masculine goods (such as power, authority, and claims to knowledge) away from them.” (Manne, Entitled, 11.)
- My Mission: Use popular media to expose the pervasive and toxic nature of systemic misogyny. Kate Manne states in the introduction of Down Girl, that “part of male dominance, especially on the part of the most privileged and powerful, seems to be seizing control of the narrative—and with it, controlling her, enforcing her concurrence. It is not exactly deference: rather, it closely resembles the moral aim of gaslighting,” whereby, “the capacity for the victim’s independent sense has been destroyed.” She’s made to her eat her words and doubt herself. (Down Girl, 11.) As long as misogyny operates behind the scenes unchallenged as it has for centuries, it will, despite our best efforts to legislate for gender equality, undermine those efforts and punish those who interfere with its covert, but increasingly overt, exploitation and oppression of anyone who is not a cis-gendered, straight man.
- Clarification: Pillow Talk does not engage in personal accusations or finger pointing.
- Disclaimer: All characters and their particulars found in the book Pillow Talk are based in reality, but do not correspond with actual persons, places, or events.
Why I Need Your Support:
- Writing is a painstaking and difficult task. I have already exhausted the modest spousal support I received from my separation. If I continue editing at this pace, I will bring the book to completion by June of 2022 (see Project Timeline below). As I write, I will share my progress online and continue to post excerpts on the website.
- It takes time to develop the website and blog as the primary means to promote the book and carry out my mission to expose systemic misogyny and its “self masking” strategies. Thus far, I have funded everything myself, but the costs are mounting. To maintain the blog and bring the book to completion I need outside support. I have monetized the blog, but it will take time for that to produce income.
- I am also in the process of rebuilding my life. Just prior to the pandemic my marriage had become so painful, I desperately wanted to leave, but did not have the strength to do so. Writing Pillow Talk had a powerful effect on me. In March 2021, I found the courage to separate from my husband. I knew I was taking a risk, but I was drowning. Leaving was the only way to save myself and repair the marriage’s negative impact on me and on my teenage daughter. My therapist and my closest relatives were adamant—if I stayed in the marriage it would destroy me. In the two and half years I lived with my husband, I was diagnosed with severe autoimmune disease, I lost my financial independence, I lost my dreams, and my dignity. Leaving was the first step towards recovering my health and rebuilding my life. It has also given me the opportunity to make Pillow Talk a reality.
Thank You!
- Your contribution will not only allow me to complete this project, it will help rewrite the social narrative that perpetuates patriarchy.
- I’d like to express my sincere gratitude to all those who have supported me in this effort!
Project Timeline:
- June 2020: A few months into the pandemic lockdown, a friend recommended the book Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny by Kate Manne. It was life changing. I finally found a comprehensive description of negative dynamics I knew existed, but was unable to name or put my finger on.
- November 2020: I created the website and started Pillow Talk. Writing the book became my refuge during the pandemic by providing a safe and creative way to reassess my own history of abuse and my overexposure to misogyny’s toxic effects.
- February 2021: I completed the first draft of the book.
- March 2021: After being vaccinated for COVID, I left my marriage and rented a small apartment that also serves as my writing space.
- July 2021: I started workshopping my chapters with an experienced writer's group. The feedback has been very positive. Excerpts from those chapters can be viewed on the Pillow Talk Website .
- October 2021: The PILLOW TALK NOVEL and WEBSITE/BLOG went live!
- June 2022: Projected date for the online book launch.
Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
Susan Wright
Organizer
Susan Wright
Organizer
Syracuse, NY